Well I have, and it is damn near impossible to find the answer.
It looks like I have found the one question the Internet is unable to answer. Yay! Hurray for me, now let's change that.
So why would I be searching for such a thing? I don't plan on ever killing myself, not even in the most dire of situations. Although I have not always felt like that(depression is a bitch). No, now I love the constant stream of surprises that life has to offer way too much to ever kill myself. And I know that no matter how bad things get, there is almost always a day that things will be better again. Well that's how it works with depressions anyway.
But there are a few exceptions to this state of mind.
And if you are reading this, you probably already know them.
There are some perfectly good reasons to off yourself out there and I think it is up to you to decide.
So why would I try to help you do something as stupid as this?
Quite frankly, I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for me.
I am just sick and tired of those stupid bastards that are doing it WRONG. These guys cause pain and suffering to other people whilst trying to end their own.
Why the hell would you jump in front of a train! Just think of the consequences! It's messy, quite possibly painful and you run the risk of surviving. Think of the people who's job it is to clean that shit up. And the driver! It is the stuff of nightmares. Stop this insanity now!
Also you make me late for my appointment. I hate that.
There are far better ways to kill yourself without giving anybody nightmares. All you need is a little imagination. Which you are probably lacking right now because you decided to kill yourself.
So I'll go ahead and assume you are looking for a way to kill yourself in a way that is not painful.
You want to die and not hurt anyone else. You want to off yourself quickly and without a chance of backing out at the last moment. Well fat chance. There is almost always a way to back out at the last moment and if you feel you might feel the need to, then you have not made up your mind yet and you should see a counselor. Also you are always going to hurt other people but the decent thing to do is to keep that to a minimum. So here are a few good ways to end it all.
Finding the answer yourself
Don't search the internet for the best way to kill yourself, you will only find people who are trying to stop you or people who attempt to be funny about it(and almost always fail to do so)
Answer: reverse the question.
Search for "safety" and you will find danger.
Search for "survival" and you will find dangerous situations where the chance of killing yourself is almost guaranteed.
There is another risk here though. Doing something crazy ass dangerous could be just the kick you need to find the will to live again. That's what happened to me (true story)
Look for "success stories" searching for "killed himself" and focusing on news sites gives a lot of results. Try to pick the least messy ones please.
Stupid American gun law...
Most suicides are gun related and thus messy so use Google translate to search in a different language then English, pick a country where guns are forbidden for best results.
A risk here is that you find many stories of family members who were traumatized. But you can use this information to prevent that as much as possible.
Take a day to write a good note to explain yourself and your decision. Even if you don't believe me, there are always people out there that like you and they will be hurt. Understanding will help them deal with it.
Finding the answer yourself is going to take way too long, I know, I have spent days on it. I tend to obsess over things. I can't stand the fact that the internet didn't have an answer to such a simple question.
So here are my conclusions. For the impatient readers, my personal favorite can be found at the bottom.
If you have decided to kill yourself you essentially have given yourself a free pass to be a daredevil, so be on the lookout for anything marked with warning labels. "Danger" will not be your middle name, it will be your last.
Finding dangerous situations that are not messy or hurt anyone else is very difficult unless you happen to already be a stuntman or can fool the psychological test it takes to become one, but then it takes too long anyway. By far the best one is to have a climbing "accident" on your own. But you need mountains in a near abandoned place. So perhaps you need some traveling money. Keep in mind that the longer it takes for someone to find your mangled body, the less messy it becomes. And pick a good spot for gods sake, nice and high and try to go head first. No, a High building will NOT do!
Frozen bodies are quite clean. Also freezing to death seems to be quite painless. The Everest, the North,South pole are all very beautiful and dangerous places and a great final destination. They might be a bit hard to get to, so why not take a skiing trip. The risk of avalanches is mostly prevented by a special group of people who call themselves avalanche experts what they lack is time to prevent all of them. Have a chat with them to find out where you should definitely not go, then go there. Pick a spot that won't cover an entire village when it is triggered please, and do it at night or in the evening to prevent them from finding you if you survive the initial impact.
Could be really painful, so you could alternatively take off your clothes or get wet and sit in the snow in an abandoned place with a bottle of hard liquor. Alcohol might make you feel warm, but it actually speeds up the hypothermia and it takes the edge off the unpleasant shivering. You will feel drowsy after a bit and simply go to sleep.
High voltage is quite painful, I know those warning signs are pretty, just don't do it if you can't stand the pain.
Forget about defibrillators, the ones you could get your hands on have too many safety features. Unless you are smart enough to rig one, this is not an option.
All I did was reverse safety regulations to come up with this.
It doesn't take high voltage to stop a heart. Regular mains current will do fine. The trick is to get the current to pass the right spot for long enough. So rig those breakers before you take the toaster for a bath.
Don't actually take the toaster for a bath though, the current flies everywhere and you have no control over the outcome.
For the best result you should be looking for something that is 375 Volts at a frequency of 60 Hertz alternating current. Hearts don't like 60 herz, 5000 Hz is even better, but hard to find. 60 and 5000 herz are sweet spots. Slightly more or less, no problem, but in between is a surefire way to fail.
Conveniently America has chosen 60 Hz for it's mains power.
A 5 second blast of at least 75 milliamps over your chest cavity should do the trick.
Arms conduct electricity quite nicely so take this opportunity with both hands and get a good grip on the situation. Better yet, tape the wires to your chest at the position where they usually place the paddles of the defibrillator and flip a switch. The result is a heart attack, if not, try again. Ask anyone who has had a heart attack about the pain. Most people describe it as moderate. As far as this particular current I have no idea how it feels. But I find the shock from the regular mains quite exhilarating so I might not be the best person to give advice on that.
The risk here is that you might also burn your house down when you connect yourself to the mains due to the rigged breakers. A practical tip is to do this standing up with wires that are just the right length so that when you fall down the connection is broken.
Remember, safety first. And in this case for other people naturally.
Electronics isn't very hard so you could take this one step further and build the ultimate death machine. Have a look at how electric power conversion works. You are looking for a flyback transformer. This could also provide you with a handy alibi if you want to make it look like an accident while reducing the risk of burning your house down.
Air in the wrong place
Commonly thought to be a good way to kill yourself is an air bubble in your bloodstream. Take a syringe and squirt some air in a vain in order to produce a heart attack. This is bullshit, don't do it. You need way more air then you think the chances of you surviving are way to high. The heart is a pump, for it to stop pumping almost half of it should be filled with air, and even then, sloshing due to falling might start the whole process back up again. Also air in the vanes and heart don't seem painless to me.
Sounds simple enough, just don't do the things you need to remain alive.
Going without food is not an option. It takes way too long and one of the symptoms is bad decision making. Although your hallucinations might make it a pleasurable experience after a while, keep in mind that Gandhi took 21 days to meet his maker.
Without water you can survive up to 5 days maximum. The worst symptoms come last and unless you like lethargy, irritability, vomiting and diarrhea, this is not the way to go. In an exceptional case a Japanese hiker survived for 27 days because he went into a hibernation like state. This just shows that your body will not be so eager to die as you might be. Deprivation does not work well enough.
Unless... it is air you deprive yourself of.
We need air, don't get any and it is all over within 5 minutes. If you have two hands you can choke yourself. The problem there is that you loose consciousness first, lose you grip, and then start breathing again. So you need something that holds on when you can't anymore. Luckily a hangman's noose was designed for exactly such a purpose and really easy to make. You don't actually have to hang yourself, perhaps you don't have anything to hang from, in that case just pull it tight or use a door nob. Friction will prevent the noose from loosening up quickly so there is no easy way back. This is a good way to die because there is no pain and you will experience one final orgasm before you go. If you want to fall from a couple of feet, you might break your neck, this is quicker. But judging the height and amount of rope can be tricky and painful if you fail. Also necks can be really sturdy.
Another way to do something similar but should really be called poisoning is taping a bag over your head. I saw that one in a movie, there seems to be some panic involved. All you need is a sturdy plastic bag and some duct tape. Put the bag over your head and tape it tight around your neck. You will not die of lack of oxygen but an overdose of carbon dioxide(the stuff you breathe out) At first you might experience some panic as your body struggles to keep alive. But after that you will gently go to sleep as the carbon dioxide relaxes you. The possibility of a slight headache should be the only pain involved.
Not really a sure way to die, but surely one of the most fun ones since it causes euphoria. This is the stuff that kills you if you stick your head in the oven, which is not something I recommend because you might blow up part of the neighborhood. It is very hard to turn the gas back off once you are dead. But most people don't realize that it also comes in handy portable suicide packages that people generally use to refill their gas lighters. The effects are: euphoria, drowsiness, narcosis, asphyxia, cardiac arrhythmia, temporary memory loss and frostbite. Narcosis is the reason why might miss your target. It's hard to kill yourself if you are passed out. The jet of liquid is extremely cold when it comes out so don't go spraying this directly in your throat, that will kill you, but in a painful way. Use a bag or a plastic bottle with a hole cut into it to spray, then inhale to your heart's content. Use enough and you might get a heart attack. I'm not sure if the only cause of asphyxia is purely caused by spraying it directly in your throat, but hey, you are about to die, you might as well give it a try. And if you are euphoric enough you might not even mind.
To keep it simple we'll say that there are two types of drugs, sedatives and stimulants.
Most stimulant overdoses might produce something called stimulant psychosis which has as a symptom "thought disorder" which might make you change your mind or make you do something stupid that you were trying to prevent in the first place. Also seizures are not something to look forward to.
Although sedative overdose also messes with your thought process, you will probably not be able to move or do anything about it. Go for sedatives.
No doctor or pharmacist in their right mind will give you a possibly lethal dose to take home with you so you have to save it until you have at least two or three bottles.
Sleep medication may seem like the best drug to use especially in combination with alcohol, but make sure you take enough. An overdose will relax you to such extent that your just stop breathing. This is called respiratory center depression, respiratory depression or respiratory failure. You can use this to search for the best sleeping solution. 5% can lead to paradoxical reactions. Meaning that you might not fall asleep at all. It's gonna be a bitch if you are one of those, but you will probably die anyway.
I knew in the back of my mind that there are probably combinations of drugs out there that could be the best solution to this question but unfortunately I do not have a medical degree.
After the long time that this article has been up, I have finally come across a comment that shows great promise to actually be The Best Way to Kill Yourself using pills.
Easy way out April 19, 2015 at 11:45 AM
The combination of a benzodiazepine and an opiate is a very easy way to go into respitory arrest and die like you are just falling asleep. Many doctors will even prescribe these two medicines at one sitting. Tell them you are having panic attacks and you have taken Xanax before and it has worked and then tell them you have terrible back aches and Vicodin or norco has helped you in the past. Then you have your cocktail. Take the month supply of both all at once. You will get a nice buzz, fall asleep, and go into respitory arrest while you are sleeping. If you want to take an extra step as a fail safe (in case you are found) also take a full bottle of extra strength Tylanol. Get these pills all together and then dispose of all the bottles before you take the pills. Even if you are found they will not know how to treat you, they will probably try to hit you with narcan which is given for opiate overdoses first, this may stop the respitory arrest but then the Tylanol will cause your liver to fail. This whole time you will be out. Better yet just get a motel room and take the aforementioned pills. The combination of opiates and benzodiazepines is one of the most common pharmaceutical deaths. It will work if you do not have a tolerance. If you do have a tolerance the opiate and benzodiazepine will simply put you to sleep while the Tylanol does the work. I suggest 75 Tylanol extra strength pills.
You know it's bad for your health to smoke it, but did you know nicotine is also a pesticide?
1 cigarette contains approximately 1mg, you need 30 to 60 milligrams(120 milligrams if you are a heavy smoker) so boil the packs of smokes for about an hour, take out the tobacco and keep boiling till most of the water has evaporated, the bitter tasting gooey substance is best taken with some coffee. But nicotine can also penetrate the skin easily so you could use it as an ointment. Alternatively you could stick all the nicotine patches of an entire pack on you at once. Now sit back and wait for any of the following, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, headaches, fainting, difficulty breathing, pallor, sweating, palpitations, lisps, stomach pains/cramps/bloating, seizures, weakness, drooling, hypertension, stimulant psychosis and finally death. Scratch the coffee, make that a bottle of whiskey. If you are still alive after 4 hours, up the dosage. Didn't I tell you stimulants were a bad idea?
No way back from that one, but if you mess up with the dosage or pick the wrong one you are entering a world of pain. Really the only way to do it right is to do the homework.
There are many substances out there that are bad for you and will kill you. Almost anything can if you take enough of it. Even something as benign as water. The term we are looking for here is "Lethal dose 50" (LD 50) this amount will kill 50% of the test subjects. So you take twice that amount just to be sure. But that's the whole point. Even if you take 3 or 4 times that, there is always a chance that paramedics counter it or you just don't die from it. And almost all overdoses are slow painful deaths.
So do it in seclusion so those pesky medics can't get to you.
But there are a few exceptions.
The good poisons are generally well protected and regulated so they are difficult to get your hands on. Which makes this one of the hardest ways to kill yourself.
Botox yes, the preferred tool of beauty experts to prevent wrinkles. It actually is a severely watered down version of the most powerful toxin known to man called botulinum toxin. a mere 90–270 nanograms of botulinum toxin could be enough to kill an average 90-kg (200-lb) person, and four kg of the toxin, if evenly distributed, would be more than enough to kill the entire human population of the world.
That's how dangerous it is so there is no way you could get your hands on that right?
Well... there might be a way. It is a naturally occurring toxin produced by a bacteria that is commonly found in soil and water. It is the main reason why government agencies freak out when there are dead animals in the water in a hot season. The only thing this bacteria hates is oxygen and acid. I'm sure you can come up with a way to meet it and make friends with it. All it needs is a low oxygen environment that is nicely warm and moist. This little sucker's neurotoxin will paralyze your muscles and since the heart is a muscle and you need muscles to breathe... well you get the idea. This is painless but you might end up killing the one trying to give you mouth to mouth after you drank from your muddy water collection.
It's a gas, so make sure nobody else breathes it in. This is the evil cousin of carbon dioxide(CO2), the stuff you breathe out. It binds to the red blood cells so they can't take up oxygen anymore. So that means if you whiff up enough of it, there is no way to save you other then treatment with 100% oxygen within minutes. Carbon dioxide is produced when stuff burns, carbon monoxide is produced when stuff burns with very little oxygen.
You might get a light headache and feel sleepy, then you die. Nice side effect is that you will look all pink cheeked and healthy.
How do you get your hands on something so wonderful?
Anything that burns but not quite good enough. Faulty furnaces, heaters, wood-burning stoves propane fueled equipment. Point is, they have to be faulty, which in our case means plug the air inlet until it nearly stops working. Car exhaust is a popular one, might be a bit smelly and make sure you don't have a catalytic converter installed.
There is also a nice plastic solvent called Dichloromethane or methylene chloride which niftily produces CO right in your blood when you inhale its fumes. Also it makes you blind, but you don't care about that right? Sadly it is now banned in Europe.
Alternatively you could fill a pan with wood chips or any other dry organic matter, put it on the stove or a special burner, the hotter the more gas will be produced. The resulting gas from that is called Syngas which is a mixture of non-toxic hydrogen and our precious carbon monoxide. This stuff is extremely flammable so keep it away from the fire by using a good sealing lid with a hole and a hose attached.
Sean Peezy suggests to get a small grill. Get 5-10 pounds of charcoal. Let it burn outside your car for awhile until the charcoal is 'glowing'. Put it in your car with you, roll up windows, listen to some music and drink some beer. Look at pictures, write a note, you will be asleep within 5 mins and dead within 10. No pain. No shortness of breath. Maybe a headache or dizziness right before you fall asleep.Helium
A good alternative to Carbon monoxide because it uses the same principle without the risk of burning anything down. If you do it well, it is not only deadly, it is also hilarious. You probably all know the effect of inhaling a good whiff of helium from one of those floating party balloons and you probably all have done so at one time in your life. Well what da ya know, it is also dangerous. Because if you breathe helium you are not breathing (enough) oxygen and the strange thing is that your body can't tell the difference so you have no idea that you are suffocating.
The best way to administer a lethal dose is to get yourself a helium canister and an oxygen face mask and connect the two.(I'm not entirely sure how)
Try not to speak or you will laugh your head off, which also sounds lethal but hasn't been proven to be effective yet.
[Edit 2015-10-10] Thanks for your comment Caleb, even though I knew Helium was dangerous for years, I did not include it in here because I'm an idiot sometimes.
Oh shit, I will get into so much trouble posting this and leaving the comments switched on. But I do it all for the good cause. Let me know if any of my tips fail, I know I don't have to count on success stories. I'm not stupid. Those will be determined by process of elimination.
Please remember to copy, duplicate and share this. I don't know how long it will remain here. I might even be doing something illegal here. I'll have to look into that.